The Better Man
With one simple text message she had shattered the illusion that I could go the rest of my life without ever thinking about her again. I hadn't spoken to Ashlyn St. Pierre in over five years, and it had honestly taken me almost that long to stop thinking about her... obsessing about her. I had, at long last, accepted the end of our three-year long relationship. She had been my only love and, truth be told, my only lover. And, like a shot out of the blue, she was back in my inbox.
iMessage sent by you: Yes?
I had agonized over my response to her text for the better part of a day. Should I ignore her message? Try to be friendly? Pretend I didn't recognize her number? The dozens of possibilities zoomed through my mind. However, each response that I considered made me seem either too eager to talk to her or entirely too bitter. I suppose that's what happens when the love of your life cheats on you, though.
iMessage from Ashlyn St Pierre: how are u?
I felt my heart start to beat faster and faster... I had imagined this moment for years! The last time we had spoken (well, the last time we had texted) she had informed me in no uncertain terms that she never wanted to talk to me again. She had found herself a "real man" who was "sexually compatible" with her, and she just didn't want any contact with me anymore. She still cared about me, she insisted, but felt that having me in her life would put a strain on her new relationship. So, to ensure that I wouldn't disturb her and her new boyfriend, she had blocked me on everything; no texts, no instagram, no snapchat. Every phone call went straight to voicemail and every email was bounced back. She had completely cut me off for five years. I guess today she had finally decided to unblock me...
iMessage sent by you: I'm doing good. Been really busy with work. You?
It wasn't a complete lie... I had been really focused on my career for the past few years and it was finally starting to pay off! I had just recently managed to save up enough to put a down payment down on a beautiful townhouse. For years I had felt a pretty embarrassed about living at home with my folks but now, at twenty-eight years old, I was finally living on my own. Most of my friends had rented apartments with friends or with their significant others, and I remember feeling intensely jealous as I scrolled through Instagram looking at their Pinterest-worthy apartments photos. But now, a few years later, they were realizing that they had no savings and no ability to buy a home anytime soon. I finally felt like I had arrived at financial adulthood and I was enjoying living alone in a big two-story townhouse.
iMessage from Ashlyn St Pierre: yeah, Sebastian and I are great
It took all of three texts for her to mention him! Sebastian Scott. Just thinking about him... them... still gave me a pit in my stomach. I guess that I had hoped that they would have grown apart over the years. Maybe I had hoped that he would have cheated on her the way she cheated on me. Maybe that's petty, but for years I had fantasized about her coming back to me. I had dreamed of her begging for my forgiveness, having been given a taste of her own medicine. But I had been kidding myself, of course.
I was lucky to have met Ashlyn during her 'ugly duckling" phase. I was a few years older and we worked together at a part-time summer job. I was a freshman in college, and she was still a junior in high school when he first met. She was cute, and silly, and shy. She was very pretty, of course, but I hadn't been immediately attracted to her. She certainly wasn't immediately attracted to me. She usually put her long brown hair back in a ponytail, dressed in loose-fitting clothes, and wore almost no makeup. Maybe that's exactly why I was able to be myself around her... Within weeks we had started dating. It was the first relationship for both of us. Soon I couldn't imagine my life without her.
However, as we got older Ashlyn seemed to become more and more beautiful. And she completely transformed her appearance as she approached her freshman year of college. She dyed her mousy brown hair jet black and began visiting the salon regularly to keep it silky and shiny. She had gained a little weight over the years, but she wore it perfectly! Her chest slowly grew into perfect tear-drop shaped breasts that were large enough to fill up any top. She had begun working out regularly, building herself a thick peachy ass. Even her wardrobe changed: she was wearing more sun dresses and skin-tight yoga pants, and less baggy sweatshirts and old jeans. She began to put on more and more makeup, accentuating her tan features and soft freckles. And her piercing blue eyes could always melt me, even if she was now displaying them behind big stylish oversized glasses. In short, my girlfriend had blossomed into a thick, voluptuous beauty! But now she was way out of my league. As the years passed, I missed literally everything about her. Not just her incredible looks, but her laugh, her smile, the way she made me feel like I was the smartest person she had ever met... the list goes on and on
iMessage from Ashlyn St Pierre: u there?
I hadn't responded yet... What was I supposed to say? I'm sure Sebastian was doing great. He was everything I wasn't! I was never someone who got a ton of attention from girls. I wasn't completely ugly or anything, but I just didn't ever seem to be one of the guys girls fawned over. I was tall but always pudgy from a lack of athletic activities. In high school I was nerdy, wore glasses, had bad acne, and spent most of my time playing saxophone in the marching band. I had plenty of friends that were girls, but never a real girlfriend until Ashlyn. And while she blossomed as we got older, I just never hit my stride. I slowly gained weight (at my heaviest I weighed 270 pounds spread out across my six-foot two-inch frame), battled adult acne, and found that my hairline was already receding before my twenty-second birthday. When we broke up I was twenty-three but the truth is that I looked like I was closer to forty-three. I had really tried losing weight and exercising regularly, but I just couldn't move the needle. And the more beautiful Ashlyn became, the more unattractive I felt. I knew that Ashlyn was getting more and more attention from guys around her college campus, and I couldn't help but feel incredibly uncomfortable when we would hold hands or kiss in public. I felt like everyone's eyes were on us because I just didn't look like I could possibly be her boyfriend. You would think that I would have felt proud to be with her, and I was! Incredibly so! And, as far as I was concerned our sex life was incredible too! I just felt, in my heart, that she could do better. And yet, I was stunned when she cheated.
iMessage sent by you: What do you want, Ash? I mean, last time I checked I was still blocked on all your social media
While Ashlyn had blocked me on every form of social media known to man, Sebastian hadn't. He wasn't a big social media person, but he did have an old Facebook Account that still had some of his pictures from college. I wish I could say that I didn't cyberstalk him but, honestly, I have to admit that I studied every inch of his public profile. He was basically to my age (maybe a year younger), came from a family of four brothers, was in some dumb frat in college, and was very good looking. I feel awkward saying that—I've never considered myself to be anything other than completely straight—but the truth is that he was a very attractive guy. He was the type of guy that high school girls dream about. He had classic good looks. From his Facebook pictures I could see that he had short shaggy brown hair that he liked to gel over, a dazzling white smile, and smooth tan skin. He wasn't tall—maybe five foot nine or so—but he had a very toned, athletic body. He wasn't massive, but I could tell that he went to the gym regularly. I think he played lacrosse in high school. His profile pictures were filled with photos of him at parties, campfires, and football games. He was clearly a guy who liked to have a good time. I doubt he had ever cracked open a book, though.
Fuck, I was angry at him! This macho frat bro had to have known that he was hooking up with a girl that had a long-term serious boyfriend. And, as far as I was concerned, we were serious... We talked about buying a house together and I was even starting to think about proposing the summer after I graduated. In my mind's eye he had always taken advantage of my naive young girlfriend and stolen her away from me. But I had to admit that I was also angry with myself... I was angry that I had let this perfect woman slip right through my fingers. And I think the worst part was that she was dating someone who was so completely different than me! Based on his profile I could tell that him and I would have had nothing in common. Except Ashlyn, of course.
iMessage from Ashlyn St Pierre: that didn't stop you from trying to friend Sebastian on fb though, did it? :P
Fuck. I felt my cheeks growing red instantly. She was right, of course. I had "Friend Requested" him on Facebook a month or so after Ashlyn had blocked me. It was a moment of weakness, for sure. It's totally embarrassing now, but I honestly couldn't help it! The jealousy that I had felt post-break up was so intense and I was dying to know more about the guy who had stolen the love of my life. When she had broken up with me she hadn't really told me a lot of details about him... just that they had met at a party and clicked instantly. Naturally, he denied my friend request.
Our actual breakup was a pretty awful ordeal. I still have nightmares about it. Probably the worst part was that she couldn't bring herself to actually tell me in person. She literally sent me a text telling me we were over. I was stunned and completely shocked. I just didn't understand. After days of begging to see her, Ashlyn finally agreed to meet up with me so I could have some closure.
When she first told me about him she insisted that they had only made out. I was devastated and angry, and I wish I could say that I played it cool and accepted our breakup with dignity. But I did not. I balled my eyes out at two o'clock in the morning, in an empty parking lot no less, and begged for her to stay with me. I remember that she said, "I'm sorry Thomas, but I just don't think I'm the same person anymore...". I didn't understand and begged her to think about all that we had gone through together over the past three years. We were each other's first everything.
"I'm so, so sorry". She was kind and thoughtful, but firm. When the finality of our situation began to sink in, I demanded to know every detail of why we couldn't work through this. Sensibly, she refused to talk about it. "I don't want to hurt you..." I remember her saying, tears welling up in her eyes. But I pressed on. I needed to understand.
"Fine!" She relented. "The truth is that I've ... I've.... I've been having sex with someone else..." I was completely stunned and immediately sick to my stomach. How could she do this to me!? I just couldn't believe it. Stupid, right? "Who the fuck is he!?" I demanded, choking back tears.
She explained that he was someone she had met at a party, and when she first saw him—when he had first smiled at her— she just knew in her soul that they were going to fuck. They had been eying each other all night and she loved his shaggy brown hair, his fit build, and his cocky confidence... She said it was like animal instinct; she was drawn to him and just couldn't say no.
"Well, was he better at fucking than me?" I blurted out the question without thinking, feeling a mixture of revulsion, embarrassment, jealousy and shame wash over me.
"Thomas... I..." She wasn't a cruel person. She wasn't throwing any of this in my face or trying to make me jealous. Maybe had I been a little older or had a little more life experience I would have known to just walk away.
But I insisted on an answer. "Well!?"
"Yes" She answered flatly, looking down at the floor. But then, as if she couldn't help herself, she blurted out "He's amazing...it's amazing. I had honestly had no idea sex could feel that good. I'd never... well..."
"What? Please, tell me..."
"... I guess I just didn't know what I was missing"
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. How could that be true? I thought we had a great sex life! Ashlyn was always horny and never had any complaints... She was always telling me how good I made her feel while she was riding me. This couldn't be true!
"I don't understand..."
"well... I guess... I didn't ... ugh ... know how good it could feel when... when someone... ughh... I'm really sorry Thomas, but the truth is that I just don't want to have sex with you anymore. It's as simple as that. I'm really sorry"
Telling her that I loved her, begging her to stay with me, insisting that I would try to improve myself, was no use. The conversation dragged on and I could tell that she was getting exhausted, both physically and emotionally. "Look, we're just NOT sexually compatible. You've only ever been with me... so you don't really know ... ummm... you just don't know how to make me feel that Sebastian does. And I didn't realize until now because you were all I've ever known. But now that I've been with a real man... I'm sorry..."
There was nothing more to say... her mind was made up. She drove away and I remember balling my eyes out in the front seat of my car. But the real kick in the gut came the next morning. I noticed on Facebook that Ashlyn had changed her relationship status to "taken" with some guy named Sebastian Scott. Sebastian fucking Scott... his name was burned into my memory. The post had already been liked by a bunch of her friends—people I had known for years! I immediately looked him up on Facebook. I wish I never did...
iMessage from Ashlyn St Pierre: thomas?
iMessage sent by you: Yeah...?
I answered, lamely. No one had called me Thomas in years; everybody just called me Tom. Even just seeing her type my name sent butterflies through my chest.
iMessage from Ashlyn St Pierre: do u remember how u liked it when I would send you pics when we were dating?
iMessage sent by you: Uh, yeah...?
Suddenly my heart was racing. I couldn't understand why she would be texting me after all this time, let alone bringing up the intimate pictures we used to exchange while we were together. Truth be told, I always loved receiving pictures of my girlfriend and she always enjoyed sending them. I think she liked the attention... who wouldn't? We were young and in love. I would get cute little pics of her stretching at the gym or snaps of her in a cute dress all the time. I had saved many of them on my phone before she blocked me, but she insisted that I get rid of any leftover pictures after our breakup. She even demanded that I send a screenshot of my phone's Recently Deleted folder as proof. I did what she wanted and, because of that, I hadn't seen a picture of her in five years.
iMessage from Ashlyn St Pierre: what would you do to see a new pic?
My heart stopped. What the fuck. Was she actually seducing me? Fuck fuck fuck! Could this really be happening? Yes! Maybe after all these years she was finally getting bored with Sebastian fucking Scott. I couldn't believe it! I had honestly never stopped loving her... is it possible that she felt the same? I had fantasized about this moment for years and it was finally happening!
iMessage from Ashlyn St Pierre: venmo us fifty bucks and u can have one
Shit! The thrill, the excitement, and the anticipation that I was feeling immediately evaporated. Now I just felt intense anger and jealousy. Was she just fucking with me? Had she really unblocked me after five years just to screw with my head?
"What the fuck Ashlyn!" I couldn't believe that my girlfriend—sorry, ex-girlfriend—had unblocked me to tease me like this.
iMessage sent by you: Fuck off Ash
iMessage from Ashlyn St Pierre: fine, be like that
I sat in silence for a moment, seething with anger. Then my Snapchat app chimed. I opened the app and my jaw dropped...
Ashlyn had messaged me a picture, but it was unlike any photo she had sent me when we were dating. Those pictures were cute, in an innocent kind of way. This was a picture of a full-grown woman... a woman that I hadn't seen in five years. Her long straight black hair cascaded onto her tan shoulders, her glossy pink lips were pursed at the camera, and her makeup had been done to accentuate her high cheekbones and stunning blue eyes. She was wrapped in a delicate red, sheer robe and tight red thigh-high stockings. Around her neck she wore a simple gold chain. But it was her incredible lingerie that really stunned me! The one piece set she had on was like nothing I had ever seen on her... she certainly never wore anything that sexy for me while we were dating! Her big, round breasts seemed to pour out of the sheer red bra, and tight red straps ran down her stomach and around her waist. The straps led down to small lacy red panties. She had become even more curvy over the years, and she exuded sex and sensuality. She was gazing into the camera with a slight smirk on her lips, holding open the red robe so that I could see her body. It was the type of lingerie picture you would find in a Victoria Secret Catalogue. She was stunning. And I immediately felt my growing dick straining against my jeans.
The stunning photo disappeared after ten seconds. I gasped as the picture vanished into snapchat oblivion. I felt dizzy and disoriented. I hadn't seen or spoke to Ashlyn in five years, and out of the blue she sends me THAT!? I couldn't believe it and I didn't understand what was happening.
iMessage from Ashlyn St Pierre: hit us up if you change your mind
Fuck! She knew she had me... How could I resist that? I needed to see her again... needed to see her incredible tan body wrapped up in that beautiful red sheer robe. I gulped hard and typed out my message.
I replied, feeling lightheaded.
iMessage sent by you: What's your venmo?
iMessage from Ashlyn St Pierre: Not mine. You need Sebastian's. His account is SebtheStud93
"Fuck!" I actually said the word out loud. She wanted me to send HIM—the guy she cheated on me with—money for a sexy pic of her? What the fuck! It was so wrong. And yet, my dick was rock hard. I unfastened my belt and pulled out of my five-inch penis. I had never been self-conscious about my size until Ashlyn cheated. Ever since then I felt, well, inadequate. And it didn't help that my dick has a mild upward curve. I didn't realize that was a problem until Ashlyn revealed that Sebastian was such a superior lover. My hand slowly glided up and down my shaft as thoughts of Ashlyn in that red lingerie lingered in my mind. I knew how screwed up this entire situation was... I knew how insane it was that I was slowly stroking my dick to the thought of seeing pictures of another man's girlfriend, even if she was my ex-girlfriend. I knew I should just block her and get on with my life but I couldn't. I needed to see more.
iMessage sent by you: And I just venmo him fifty bucks?
iMessage from Ashlyn St Pierre: yeah. But u need to write what it's for
iMessage sent by you: What?
iMessage from Ashlyn St Pierre: on venmo you need to write what the money is for
iMessage sent by you: Ok. What do I write?
iMessage from Ashlyn St Pierre: write can I please see another photo of your sexy young wife, sir
FUCK ME. My head was spinning. What the fuck? She actually wanted me to ask Sebastian for pictures of her? Wait! Did she say... his WIFE!? Oh my god! I couldn't fucking believe what I was reading. Ashlyn had just turned twenty-five a few months earlier... and she was already fucking married to him? And she wanted me to call him SIR? What the fuck... he was YOUNGER than me! I felt a strange mixture of lust and nauseous course through me as I reread her message over and over again. I had spent the last five years holding out hope that maybe one day she would reach out to me and we might get back together. I had deluded myself into believing that perhaps, once she was a little older and a little wiser, she might realize that our love was genuine. That dream—that silly fantasy—died in my heart as I read her message. It was a delusion, of course, but I had clung to it for years. Now the crushing reality entered my mind: Sebastian Scott had stolen my girlfriend and he had fucking married her. She was his, completely. And she would never be mine again.